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by Sweet Treats on 09 September 2010 - 05:09
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring.
Eats shoots and leaves."
How To Clean A Cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift both lids.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the top so he cannot escape.) CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the cat, as his paws will be reaching for anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the back door and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the garden.
7. Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and lift both lids quickly.
8. The freshly cleaned cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The Dog
Dead Fish
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "Whatcha doing, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "And I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring.
Eats shoots and leaves."
How To Clean A Cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift both lids.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the top so he cannot escape.) CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the cat, as his paws will be reaching for anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the back door and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the garden.
7. Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and lift both lids quickly.
8. The freshly cleaned cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The Dog
Dead Fish
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "Whatcha doing, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "And I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

by EKvonEarnhardt on 09 September 2010 - 14:09
Four Men Bragging About How Smart Their Dogs Are.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog: "T-Square", do your stuff. T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said: "Slide Rule", do your stuff! Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
The Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said: "Measure", do your stuff. Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 oz. glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 oz. without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
The three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The Government worker called to his dog and said: "Coffee Break", do your stuff. Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the circle of paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for workmen's compensation, and went home on sick leave.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog: "T-Square", do your stuff. T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said: "Slide Rule", do your stuff! Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
The Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said: "Measure", do your stuff. Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 oz. glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 oz. without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
The three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The Government worker called to his dog and said: "Coffee Break", do your stuff. Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the circle of paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for workmen's compensation, and went home on sick leave.
by Schaferhunden on 09 September 2010 - 20:09
Dogs in Heat A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mum says, 'No, because the dog is in heat.' 'What's that mean?' asks the child. 'Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage'. The little girl goes to the garage and says. 'Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mum but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you.' Dad says, 'Bring Susie over here.' He takes a rag, soaks it with gasoline, and scrubs the dog's rear with it and says, 'OK, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block.' The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Dad says, 'Where's Susie"' The little girl says, 'Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home.
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The Vet Bill A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away." "What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!" With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, Woof". The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room. The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went postal. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is Outrageous!" The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the Cat scan..."
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The Vet Bill A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away." "What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!" With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, Woof". The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room. The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went postal. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is Outrageous!" The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the Cat scan..."

by Rookabadooka on 10 September 2010 - 00:09
What do you give a sick bird???
TWEETMENT!!!!
Thank You Thank You I am here all week.......lol
~Rooka
TWEETMENT!!!!
Thank You Thank You I am here all week.......lol
~Rooka
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