A poem of Hope critiques on improvment will be read. - Page 1

Well, this break up has been hard and I just wrote this today.  Anyone bored and care to critigue it?

Hope
Hope is comforting, solid, and true, but, for me, it has absolutely no value.
Once hidden in my heart behind walls of great brick, I kept this dark hope silent for no one to hear.
Hope is so strange and evil to me.  I wish it would release and let loose of me.
Which way do I go and how do I flee these chains of hope that have hold of me.
 
Hope was so happy and pleasant to think, a life with a man who was my missing link
Once with our love I was happy and free.  Ah, to be blinded from life’s true realities.
Perhaps I was naive or stupid or both, to think that my path was better than most.
 Caught in the trap of your wit and your charm, I lost sight of me and the strength of my own two arms.
 
Now I sit battered, wounded, and torn.  Wondering what in the hell I’ve done wrong.
I’ll wait this long time no more than ten weeks until this hope slowly leaks away from me. 
You go pick out your ties and tidy your bed, but please stop doing things that mess with my head.
When you call me or write me it leaves room in my mind, this place where dark hope leaves me shattered and blind.
Now weakened and dazed without food for four days,  hope has left me trapped in this horrible maze. 

W

P.S. not looking for sypathy, but I would like to improve the poem as a diversion and perhaps I will send it to my ex so some kick ass closing would be n-i-c-e.

First of all, no man is worth starving yourself for.  Get something to eat, you'll feel stronger in more ways than one. :)
I really hate to see anyone so bent and broken over another human being.  I honestly think it is more about you, and the fact that your life is missing something, and I don't mean him.  I mean friends, family, a purpose.  If you become busy, you'll find you won't even think about him.

I don't know your story Wendy, obviously, you didn't want this break up?
I'm just curious, what is the purpose for this poem?  Do you want to reconcile? 
You have children together, so obviously, reconciliation would benefit them also.
Hugs and prayers that whatever happens, is the best for you!

P.S. - Your poem is quite good, some of it is fantastic, you should put it to music as I'm sure more than you are in this boat.

Edit to add:  You call it a poem of Hope, however, to me it sounds more of a poem of "no hope"

I think my story is as most break ups are: You meet.  You fall in love.  You break up.  No kids no strings.  There was a wonderful connection, but unfortunately sometimes people are just at different points in there life.
I wrote the poem because I asked him to not write or call me as it will help me disconnect myself from the relationship and make this process move along more smoothly.  He wrote me today and I wrote a stupid love poem back and then felt dumb for doing it so I started writing this and I hope to tweek it so that he understands that he should not write me as it hurts.  He is a great person and if I can convey to him the pain his contact causes he may stop. 
No, I don't guess I want the relationship to end, but some walls are just too great for me to scale right now and this relationship has run into that kind of wall. 
Two different places in life, you know?
(oh, I should mention that the breakup was mutual and that he wrote me today as it makes him feel better to write me perhaps not caring what pain it causes hence me wanting a kick ass closing)
So to the point at hand, do you have any recommendations on improvement because that is really what I would like for this thread to yield?

Thnx,
W

Edited to add: It is a poem about hope not always being a good thing.

Sorry to hear Windy, gezzzz you gotta eat though. Do you not have food or is it a financial issue ? If it's financial, what's your PayPal, I'll send you some funds so you can eat. You gotta eat. 

Now weakened and dazed without food for four days, hope has left me trapped in this horrible maze.   Ahhh but no fear, no broken heart, no pain is on the way, I have a best friend (insert you dogs name here ;o) that will make it all go away.   You probably think I'm going to miss you and ya couldn't be more wrong, fortunately my mind is my master and I've been laughing all along.   Battered, wounded an torn no more, there is good men in this world and I have an open door. ;o) (lol)   I've seen the past and learned from my mistakes, no doubts in my mind you were the ultimate fake.    Good luck to me as my memories of you drift away, my mind perceives your failure as victory to my success HOORAY !!

lol I dunno, I'm just messing words around.

Eagle,
LOL!  Those are great!  First smile of the day! 
I have food in the house, just stress for some people, much like with some dogs, causes them to loose their appetite.  It will be back soon. 
Ah, if a company could bottle broken heart and sell it as a diet pill ;-)

THANKS!  Keep'em coming.  I feel better already :-)

Deleted 

Okay, I wasn't sure what you meant by 'kick ass'  if you wanted a closing of 'I still want, love and need you'? or a closing of 'good bye, it's over, I'm moving on'.

It is easier if all of us great writers on this PDB, know what kind of an ending you are looking for, than maybe someone can be of some help.


 

Hell, let's make this thing a song.  We need a chorus :-)

LOL @ BE. 

Good stuff!

wlpool,

  We have all been there are can totally relate to your pain ....It is impossible to critique something so personal and from the heart....I like what you have and I can't say I would change a thing..: )  Don't sweat the not eating part if your anything like the majority it won't hurt ya a bit..It might be an added bonus when it's all said and done...lol....;)

       With the passing of days and the movement/moving of time...
        I will surely forget all this suffering/sadness of mine.....

        Once again Hope will will Comfort, be Solid, and True....
         And life will move forward beyond thoughts of you...

  


Deanna...