The Orangutan and the Hound - Page 1

Funny but I have dial up and couldn't watch but part of it .GOt it in an email today..here is a cute bit of humor.:

     HELP   WANTED

A local business was looking for office help. They put a
> sign in the
> window, stating the following: "HELP
> WANTED.
> Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must
> be
> bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
>
>
> A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window,
> saw the sign
> and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged
> his tail,
> then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
>
>
> Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager.
> The office
> manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the
> least. However,
> the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.
> Inside, the
> dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
>

> The manager said "I can't hire
> you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The
> dog jumped down,
> went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect
> letter. He
> took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave
> it to him,
> then jumped back on the chair.
>
>
> The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the
> sign says you have
> to be good with a computer". The dog jumped down again
> and went to the
> computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise
> with various
> programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and
> presented
> them to the manager
>
>
> By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked
> at the dog
> and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent
> dog and have some
> interesting abilities. However, I still can't
> give you the
> job."
>
>
> The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put
> his paw on
> the sentences that told about being an Equal
> Opportunity
> Employer.
> The manager said "Yes, but the sign also says
> that you have
> to be bilingual."
>
>
> The dog looked at the manager calmly and said,
> "Meow!"
>
>
>

This really doesn't belong on this thread....however.....it is an "oldie but goodie" ..... I have laughed until I cried .... I must be overly tired from fighting with Keith Grossman all day.....


ATTORNEY:   What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS:   He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY:   And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:   My name is Susan!

__________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS:   Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Are you sexually active?

WITNESS:   No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS:   Yes . ;

ATTORNEY:   And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:   I forget.

ATTORNEY:   You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS:   We both do.

ATTORNEY:   Voodoo?

WITNESS:   We do.

ATTORNEY:   You do?

WITNESS:   Yes, voodoo.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,

he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:   Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY:   The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS:   He's twenty, much like your IQ.

____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS:   Yes.

ATTORNEY:   And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS:   Getting laid

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   She had three children, right?

WITNESS:   Yes.

ATTORNEY:   How many were boys?

WITNESS:   None.

ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?

WITNESS:   Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

_________________________________________ ___

ATTORNEY:   How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:   By death..

ATTORNEY:   And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS:   Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS:   He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY:   Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS  : Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.

_____ ________________________________

continued --
 


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WIT NESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

That was fun to watch. Very sweet!