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by angusmom on 14 February 2009 - 16:02
JOB AT THE FBI.
the FBI had an opening for an assassin. after all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: 2 men and 1 woman.
for the final test the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "we must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair....kill her"! the man said "you can't be serious! i could never shoot my wife!" the agent said "then you're not the right man for this job. take your wife and go home".
the second man was given the same instructions. he took the gun and went into the room. all was quiet for about 5 minutes. the man came out with tears in his eyes "i tried, but i can't kill my wife". the agent said " you don't have what it takes. take your wife and go home".
finally, it was the woman's turn. she was given the same instructions - to kill her husband. she took the gun and went into the room. shots were heard, one after another. they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. after a few minutes, all was quiet. the door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"this gun is loaded with blanks. i had to beat him to death with the chair".
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY
.
the FBI had an opening for an assassin. after all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: 2 men and 1 woman.
for the final test the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "we must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair....kill her"! the man said "you can't be serious! i could never shoot my wife!" the agent said "then you're not the right man for this job. take your wife and go home".
the second man was given the same instructions. he took the gun and went into the room. all was quiet for about 5 minutes. the man came out with tears in his eyes "i tried, but i can't kill my wife". the agent said " you don't have what it takes. take your wife and go home".
finally, it was the woman's turn. she was given the same instructions - to kill her husband. she took the gun and went into the room. shots were heard, one after another. they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. after a few minutes, all was quiet. the door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"this gun is loaded with blanks. i had to beat him to death with the chair".
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY
.by Uglydog on 14 February 2009 - 18:02
Where does an Irish family go for a vacation?
Answer...
A different bar
Answer...
A different bar
by blueshep on 14 February 2009 - 21:02
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)
These mostly Southern boys will be
Dropped off into Iraq and will be given only the following facts about
terrorists :
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday .
by jaymesie51 on 14 February 2009 - 22:02
a man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a highland burn (river) when a gamekeeper shouts dinnae drink the waater its foo o coo's keech an pish man replies my good fellow i am english could you repeat that in the queens own please, the gamekeeper says certainly sir use two hands you will get more that way
coo's keech and pish translated cow shit and urine
jim h
coo's keech and pish translated cow shit and urine
jim h
by beetree on 15 February 2009 - 02:02
A guy sees a sign in the front of a house that says "Talking Dog For Sale."
Intrigued, he rings the bell and the owner shows him the dog. "What’s your story?" the guy asks the dog. The dog says " I discovered that I had this gift since I was a little pup. The CIA signed me up, and soon I was flying all over the world, sitting at the feet of the rich & powerful and other world leaders, gathering important information and sending it back home. When I got tired of that lifestyle, I joined the FBI, where I helped catch drug lords and gunrunners. I was wounded in the line of duty, recieved some medals, and now a movie is being made of my life."
"How much do you want for the dog!?!?" he asks the owner.
"Ten dollars," says the owner.
The guy is shocked... he asks,"Why on Earth would you sell such a remarkable dog for so little?"
The owner replies, "Because he’s a liar... he never did any of that shit!"
Intrigued, he rings the bell and the owner shows him the dog. "What’s your story?" the guy asks the dog. The dog says " I discovered that I had this gift since I was a little pup. The CIA signed me up, and soon I was flying all over the world, sitting at the feet of the rich & powerful and other world leaders, gathering important information and sending it back home. When I got tired of that lifestyle, I joined the FBI, where I helped catch drug lords and gunrunners. I was wounded in the line of duty, recieved some medals, and now a movie is being made of my life."
"How much do you want for the dog!?!?" he asks the owner.
"Ten dollars," says the owner.
The guy is shocked... he asks,"Why on Earth would you sell such a remarkable dog for so little?"
The owner replies, "Because he’s a liar... he never did any of that shit!"
by Kalibeck on 15 February 2009 - 04:02
Dad at the Mall
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).
We
decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a
teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all
different
colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The
teenager
would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the
matter
old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I would not choke on his
response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did
not bat
an eye in his reply.
'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were
my son.'
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).
We
decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a
teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all
different
colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The
teenager
would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the
matter
old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I would not choke on his
response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did
not bat
an eye in his reply.
'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were
my son.'
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