Help Wanted- Law enforcement - Page 1

Anybody need a job in law enforcement? Lansford PA PD is hiring! They pay a swell $10. hr. for full time officers. The job comes with a new-ER (less than 10 yrs. old) vehicle, pride of the community (no computer, but lights and siren, shotgun, radio, slim-jim and several sets of handcuffs) which the successful candidate may take home with him. I believe it still has every canine item of mobile K9 confinement equipment available from Ray Allen still installed in the unit. The other +/- $10,000. worth of canine training and care/maintenance paraphenalia is missing. I suspect the city doesn't have room in the service garage since the dump-truck/snow-plow was wrecked winter before last.  Not sure how they are handling snow removal this year...

The succesful candidate will doubtless appreciate that the board of supervisors  finally agreed on something, after several yars of discussion, retired the 80's era Crown Vic. No one seems to be able to explain why whoever handled the sale, nor anyone else, forgot to strip the retired unit before handing it over to the 17 yr. old who bought it for parts. They DID catch the mistake however, a year later when someone was on the air on the shared local police band nobody  recognized. Through superb police investigative work and brilliant deduction on the part of the Lansford PD and adjoining law enforcement agencies, the kid broadcasting from a local wrecking yard was successfully apprehended and charged within days (or was it weeks?), and the equipment recovered from the rusting unit, is now "safely" locked in the (vacant) police chief's desk drawer.

Additonal Employment Vacancies: Lansford Cheif of Police.

Unfortunately, the quaint little town of Lansford had to bid sad frewell to their longptime friend and pillar of the community some time ago when he was indicted (again by the Feds) for "accidentally" selling arms liberated from the evidence locker awhile back. The unsymapthetic feds literally threw the book at him and the buyer, easily gaining convictions and moderate sentences due to the case being heard in a Federal court. 

K9 Handler/Full-time officer-  By a cruel twist of fate, the ever-meddling Feds also arrested, prosecuted and convicted Lansford's PD's celebrated K9 handler, a local-born gentleman from a family noted for proudly providing this area with top-notch career law enforcement officers. According to court testimony, the confused-but-well-meaning son of Lansford planted drugs on a suspect when no illegal substances were discovered during a residence search of a suspected drug dealer. The K9 was not charged. No word on our local hero's date of release from prison but we understand he has taken advantage of the physical fitness aspect of the prison's somewhat limited rehabilitation program, shedding much of the extra 100 lbs that was affecting his performance in the line of duty. We wish Officer Somers all the best in whatever career direction he elects to pursue upon release and promise to stop by the diner regularly should he find employment there as a fry cook. Lansford knows how to honor their own, standing fast and supportive in good times and bad.

The dog, a truly unstable E/ European wack job purchased for a great deal of money (read: Christmas in July) from a major importer in the East (who will remain nameless here) is reportedly living in the officer and his girlfriend's (the major's fat, ugly daughter) basement, ownership having been turned over to the convicted officer after some extremely suspicious document, overlooked for about a year, during which time the dog was offered for sale on sealed bids. Several dept's reportedly submitted bids, as did I, but as it turned out, the highest bid was some $1.00, coincidentally submitted by the jailed officer. I bid $500.  I am told the importer provided an entire week of training and new-handler orientation generously included

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There isn't much budget for municipal services these days in Lansford, since the office manager sued for harrassment, won over $100,000. I think her position is open yet as well, but probably doesn't pay the big bucks the cops get.  Incidentally, unless memory fails, that office manager was responsible for the discovery of the $3500. bribe, found in the city hall. Neither officer involved in this incident  recieved a significant sentence, not sure if they were both convicted (maybe one? the most recent hire?) I believe I read the other one is being considered for temporary cheif of police, probably on the merit of the high revenue he brings into the city coffers setting records for traffic violations occcuring within easy view of the local diner. Warning: do not exceed the speed limit near anyplace that serves food in Lansford. LOL You WILL be cited, and very likely detained while the "star" of the Lansford PD searches your vehicle, tests your lights, horn, tires, etc. If you do get pulled over, dont move your hands from the top of the car, keep your legs spread and your language polite or you WILL be contributing to the muncipal legal defence fund, now enjoying a $100,000+ deficit.  Fines for parking on the wrong side of the street when it snows, failing to keep your lawn mowed, blocking the side walk in front of your driveway, keeping an unlicensed pet, owning a pot-bellied pig, not maintianing your home and property in strick accordance with the ever-increasing 3" thick book of Town Ordinances, etc., have been raised to remarkable levels. (Its cheaper to let your meter expire in downtown Philly. )

Despite its place in the history books and continuing notoriety, and rustic charm Lansford is a TINY, economically depressed rural (former) coal community. The successful candidate(s) will certainly find that any lack of renumeration and paid health benefits will be easily compensated for by the friendly atmosphere, inexpensive housing, and virtually endless oportunities to gain valubale experience in the fieldof law enforcement. Recent graduates are encouraged to apply. In addition to the non-refundable application fee, drug testing and a criminal background check is now required prior to hiring, at the expense of the applicant.

Good luck and welcome to rural Pennsylvania!

Auther's note: I hope you all found this entertaining. I know I do. I frequently feel the urge to pinch myself self since I moved to this rural county, certain I am asleep, having a nightmare about being transported into the animated film Toontown! I will try to post updates as the saga continues, but news reports are irregular these days since the cybical-but-talented investigative reporter assigned to cover meetings of the Lansford board of supervisors recently passed away, and meetings have been suspended until suitable members are found to replace those having resigned this month and last, and a new mayor,  always a constant source of frustration for the community.  New residents are welcome to submit their nominations. Preference will be given those with a high school diploma or GED certificate, but computer skills are not necessary.

I have been thinking about re-locating.

CA-- Decent money, 61 degrees right now, brand new car, but they won't let me have a dog.

PA-- $10.00/hr, snow, but I can have a dog

Nah, I don't think so.

Wait, what does the chief's position pay Ha, Ha

This is a LE thread that I actually found funny.

Unfortunatley, This is what you get when you don't screen for and pay for good officers

 What a great place you live in Shelley!

Gard

If you take the Chief's position, I'll work for ya, but ya gotta give me a quarter raise!  I gotta make atleast $10.25/HR

Done!

You gotta give me a dog. Oh wait, that might be a conflict of interest.

I can't believe anybody read that whole thing. LOL

The things I do when I'm bored to death waiting for my husband to bring the truck back so I can go get shavings... LOL

i think you should take it; you already have the dog(s), and you could write stories about your adventures in LE in rural PA, sell it as a tv pilot to HBO or something, finish putting in your top of the line kennel and retire in a couple of years as a famous dog breeder/trainer ex-cop extrordinaire. it sounds better than going to get shavings! call it Lansford 911.

Wait, wait,

isn't that the same Pa town the Roseann and her disfunctional family are from? 

I'm pretty sure Rosanne has moved up to a better neighborhood. Obviously you have guessed by now that my secret ambition is to make a fortune similar to hers riding on my skewed change-of-life sense of humor. LOL

20K stand up comics out of work... and Shelley thinks she wants to funny?

:) SS