Everyone Lighten Up-Let's Tell Some Jokes - Page 1

Everyone, the pedigree database has again become a bit nasty and vicious towards some people, so I offer some humour to that I can relate. 

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tony Funacelli?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father.  I don't want to ruin her reputation." 

 thats a good one Bob-O,i enjoyed that

ABSTINENCE

A

ABSTINENCE
A young couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them, 
"We  have a special requirement for new member couples. You must 
abstain from sex for one whole month.
"The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the 
Church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife  was
crying  and the husband was obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to 
abstain  from sex for  the required month." the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to
abstain through  sheer willpower."
"The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."
"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers,
prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts."
"One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I
just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, 
loud,  passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were
done  we were both drenched in sweat." admitted the man, shamefacedly.
The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this 
means you will not be welcome in our church."
"We know." said the young man, hanging his head,
"We're not welcome at Home Depot either."

A young lady on her way home turns into the path and sees her grandfather on the porch naked from the waist down.  Shocked, the girl says "Grandpa, why are you out here with no pants on!!"  To which he replies "I was out here last week without a scart and got a stiff neck, this was your grandmother's idea."

Jesus is Watching You

A burglar broke into a house 1 night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to put in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you"> He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlite off, and froze.  When he heard nothing more after abit ,he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you".  Freaked out, he shined his lite frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlite beam came to rest on a parrot.  "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you". The burglar relaxed, "Warn me huh? Who in the hell are you?"  "Moses", replied the bird.  "Moses?" the burglar laughed, "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The same kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus".

An American tourist goes on a trip to China . While in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the US, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.

The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it". The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".

The man screams ! in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion". The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that!, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You  no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself! You save money."

Sipping Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip".

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. SIP THE VODKA, DON'T GULP.

2. THERE ARE 10 COMMANDMENTS, NOT 12.

3. THERE ARE 12 DISCIPLES, NOT 10.

4. JESUS WAS CONSECRATED, NOT CONSTIPATED.

5. JACOB WAGERED HIS DONKEY, HE DID NOT BET HIS ASS.

6. WE DO NOT REFER TO JESUS CHRIST AS THE LATE J.C.

7. THE FATHER, SON, AND THE HOLY GHOST ARE NOT REFERRRED TO AS DADDY, JUNIOR AND THE SPOOK.

8. DAVID SLEW GOLIATH, HE DID NOT KICK THE SHIT OUT OF HIM.

9. WHEN DAVID WAS HIT BY A ROCK AND WAS KNOCKED OFF HIS DONKEY, DON'T SAY HE WAS STONED OFF HIS ASS.

10. WE DO NOT REFER TO THE CROSS AS THE 'BIG T'.

11. WHEN JESUS BROKE THE BREAD AT THE LAST SUPPER HE SAID, 'TAKE THIS AND EAT IT FOR IT IS MY BODY.' HE DID NOT SAY 'EAT ME'.

12. THE VIRGIN MARY IS NOT CALLED 'MARY WITH THE CHERRY'.

13. THE RECOMMENDED GRACE BEFORE A MEAL IS NOT; RUB-A-DUB-DUB, THANKS FOR THE GRUB, YEAH GOD.

14. NEXT SUNDAY THERE WILL BE A TAFFY PULLING CONTEST AT ST. PETER'S, NOT A PETER PULLING CONTEST AT ST. TAFFY'S.

Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's
liquor store.

One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said, "Oh, Jack,
give me a pint o' the brandy."

"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimedJack, "I could never do that! I have
never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack", she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior."
Her voice dropped, "It helps her constipation, you know."

So Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and
walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary
Katherine! And she was plastered! She was singing and dancing, whirling
around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.

A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister
Mary Katherine! For shame!! And you told me this was for the Mother
Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat.She replied, "And so it is.
When she sees me, she's gonna shit