client or newcomer statements - just fun - Page 4

Client was a static security guard who wanted to get into dog handling and asked for his dog to be collected for training.  Arrived to find newly acquired dog still in the back of his car and repelling all comers!  Removed dog from car and suggested he spent some time bonding before training.  Dog was delivered to us a week later and spent a couple of weeks doing foundation work, owner came to collect and dog gleefully jumped up to greet him, chinning him in the process and bloodily splitting his inside lip.

Where can I spit! where can I spit!
Just swallow the blood.
Swallow blood!   What if I get AIDS!

This one is a bit subtle, will explain if it does not translate.

I have a Malinoid.  
Err, the breed is called Malinois.
My last trainer says mine is a  Malinoid.
Why do you need another trainer? (previous trainer was a very reputable man who we know to be good)
He says my dog is a pain in the a-se. 

My dog is dominant, where can I buy an Alpha Roll?

Margaret N-J


 

ROFL @ Margaret's last post.

I'm the Leader of the Dogs.

Really 

When I call, all the dogs will run to me and do what I say and protect me.

But Patch doesn't come when you call him so how does that work.

He's the Leader of the People, all the family follow him.


In case you are wondering if I reversed my presentation style, this was an approximate conversation I had with my sister when I was about 6 years old.  It was true that all the family followed Patch - in an attempt to apprehend him when he escaped!

Margaret N-J


 

"Swallow blood!   What if I get AIDS!"

This deserves the Dumbest Thing Anyone Could Ever Possibly Say Oscar!! Hilarious.......

When I was a lot younger, I lived in London with my husband at the time and on Mothers Day, he gave me a card with the title "To Mum from the Two of  Us", signed with the names of my two dogs complete with paw prints.  I showed it to a friends young son and commented that the writing looked a lot like my husbands.  He must have remembered his own early writing experience as the lads reply was "He must have held their paws"

Margaret N-J

This is one of my favourites, someone sent it to me years ago and it still cracks me up.

"Studding My Dog"
**RING**
I look up from my dinner. Who would call the BC Breeder From Hell at supper time?
I check the caller ID. It's a local call. No mercy. Had they called from different time zone, I might have considered commuting their sentence ...
"Yes." Hello is too good for this loser. This should be the first hint.
"Yeah, is this the lady who has Border Collies? Someone gave me your number
..
I'm calling about a stud."
"Uh huh." This loser doesn't know my name, but wants to use one of my studs? 
I'm just about to pick up the whistle I keep on hand for obscene callers, when I hear words I hadn't expected.
"I have a stud. I thought you might want to use him."
But of course! Whatever was I thinking? I put down my plate. Time to trade in my salad for some fresh meat.
"You do? Please! Tell me more about him!"
"He's got papers. We're charging $75.00, but we might take a pup if there's a good one in there."
If my plan is going to succeed, I must first win his friendship. "Oh my goodness, I could never sleep at night having paid you so little. I wouldn't dream of paying less than $125.00."
"Really?"
"Absolutely. Actually, some people charge $150.00 for studding their Border Collie."
I hear the skin on his cheeks snap into an idiot grin.
"Ok. But for you I'll charge $125.00, though, ok? When do you want to use him?
Got anything ready now? We'd really like to get some pups outa him."
"You mean he's never been used before?" I let a long moment of silence pass before continuing, my voice grave.
"I hope you've checked him for T.E.S.S."
"What tests? He's got his shots."
"No, I said TESS T - E - S - S."
There's a little hesitation in his voice now. "Tess?"
"Testicular Ecstatic Seizure Syndrome." I whisper it into the receiver.
"Huh? What's that?"
"Breeding fits. Kind of like a seizure, except it hits them in the rear first. 
They sort of lose control. It's an awful thing to see. Awful thing ... you
mean nobody told you?"
"er ... no?"
*sigh* "They never do. You're lucky you talked to me then, eh? I may have saved your dog from a convulsion or worse..."

I let that sink in for a moment. First you herd them into the tunnel, then you turn on the light...
"But there's a couple of tests you can do to check for it ... easy stuff."
"Yeah? tests?" He's coming in like a bug to a zapper!
"You can do them yourself. First you get a female that's ready for breeding, bring your stud in and watch what happens. You have to watch really close ... 
but keep him on a leash so you can get him out of there if you have to."
"Ok."
"Watch your stud real close, and if he starts to chatter his teeth a little, well that's a danger sign. The first thing to start him off in a breeding fit
is that teeth chattering thing ... are you writing this down?"
"Ok."
"Next thing to do is watch how excited he gets. If he starts scrambling around and won't listen to you, then that's another danger sign. If he does that,
get him out of there fast. Let him settle down for a few days. Maybe a week.
Then try again. If he still does it, well, he's gonna need an operation."
"An operation?". I can hear the profit margin calculations being adjusted.
"Oh yeah, you can cure TESS real easy. Just get your dog in right away to the vet for an operation."
"You sure? I mean, operations can be kinda expensive ... "
"Not as expensive as buying another dog, eh? Besides, if anybody gets even a hint that your dog has TESS, they won't use him. No way. Who wants to waste
time on a dog that dies before the job gets done, eh?"
"I never thought about it that way. You got a good point there ... "
"Yup. So, this is what you do. You go to your vet and tell him you want him to do a Vasek Tummy operation. Write that down ... Va-sek-Tum-my."
"Yup, got it. Ok, thanks."
"Wait, for crying out loud, that isn't all!"
"No?"
"If your vet gets any idea that you want to be studding your dog, he's not going to do it. So, no matter what he says, tell him you don't ever want to stud
that dog. NEVER."
"Huh?"
"And don't breathe a word about the TESS. For sure he won't do it then."
"Why not?"
"Vets are funny that way. If they find out you want to fix up a dog with TESS for breeding, they won't let you do it. So they won't do that Vasek Tummy
operation."
"Oh. Ok. Now I get this."
"Good. Hey, and good luck, eh? Be sure to call me back and tell me how it went. I like to know about vets who do good Vasek Tummy surgeries. There's lots
of people like you out there."
"Thanks. Thanks for your help. I'll be sure to do that."
"No need to thank me." I take out a steak knife and carve another notch in the idiot stick. "The opportunity to help others is the only thanks I need."

Margaret N-J

Kaffirdog - I'm cracking up, snorted my drink thru my nose...........

I get a call from a woman who asks if I can fix her dogs aggression problems without charging her a small fortune.

She tells me she has a 15 month old female GSD who is very aggressive toward anyone who comes in the house, etc. She said her 25 year old son had bought her as a puppy but then "Had" to move out of state and couldn't take the puppy so she gave the puppy to her mother. That worked until the dog starting biting the church ladies that came for Bible study.  I told her that I or one of the other trainers could meet her and evaluate the dog.  I explained that temperament is a combination of genetics and environment but that if she was willing to do the work there was hope for the dog. I also told her that if we couldn't help the dog, we could recommend some excellent trainers in the area that specialized in aggression cases.

I made the mistake of asking if the dog was spayed.  Her response was of course not because she planned to breed this bitch so she could "get something out of all the money she has invested in this dog."  She said it would be ok because she already had plenty of friends and family who wanted a GSD puppy so all the puppies would have good homes.  So much for tact. My response was, "You have just spent the last half hour telling me about the hell you are living in because of this dog. Now you say you want to breed this dog so that your family members and friends can also share in this hell?"

 

You missed a bargain there GSD4dogs, you could have traded your training skills for one or two of the puppies .

Margaret N-J