Everyone Lighten Up-Let's Tell Some Jokes - Page 3

Another Dog Story (kind of)

A man wants to purchase a high-quality German Shepherd Dog from a long line of herding champions. He sets out to find dogs who are actually used to herd sheep and goats on a daily basis and after making some intial contacts and obtaining a translator, he books a flight to Germany to watch these dogs at work, interview their owners, and see who has a prospective young dog for sale.

After visiting four (4) shepherds who do not have any started dogs for sale, he is referred to a fifth man who is said to have a couple of started dogs from his last litter. He travels a bit further with his translator and finds the man.

They all meet and he looks at the dogs-excellent specimens of the breed and happy in their work. The shepherd seems to be a bit of an odd lot, but is nonetheless pleasant and seems very knowledgeable. As they are all standing there admiring the dog, the dog is observed whispering something to the shepherd. The shepherd laughs and pets the dog, and then asks the dog to speak to the translator. The man is curious, and asked what the dog said. "He wanted me to tell you that you are certainly welcome here, and that his master is the best in the land and loves all of his animals." The man is dumbfounded, so he motions for the dog to speak to him. "the dog whispers in nearly perfect German with a bit of Rheingauer dialect. The man cannot understand a word the dog said, but does recognize that the dog can actually speak.

The shepherd's donkey notices all of the attention that the dog is receiving, and walks toward the men and pushs the dog to the side. The donkey does not whisper, but begins to speak to the translator in a loud voice. "What did he say?" asked the man. "He affirmed what the dog said, but said the dog is a show off. He is obviously jealous of the dogs, so I would pay him no attention."

The man was still astounded, and could not believe what he had just seen and heard. He realized that the Rheingau was truely a magical place, and was ready to make a deal for an excellent dog. As he spoke to the shepherd through his translator, he noticed some of the sheep had left the flock and were walking towards them and he swore he could hear them talking to each other. As the sheep approached and one begin to speak, the shepherd ordered the dog to return them to the flock. As the sheep were chased away by the dog, the man told the translator to ask the shepherd why the sheep were not allowed to speak to them.

The shepherd looked at the translator, frowned, and spoke. "What did he say" asked the man. The translator replied "He said, don't believe a word that the sheep tell you-they are notorious liars!"

THE VALUE OF UNDIES Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...


From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

sunsilver, that one really cracked me up! thanks for a great laugh

A Man and His Dog

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.


He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.


After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.  As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"Sure, there should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate and, sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."

Two statues, one of a naked male, the other of a naked female stood opposite each other for over a hundred years, their eyes looking lustfully at each other. A fairy godmother appeared, and told the statues that she was going to make them human for 24hrs and that they could do anything they wanted. " We can do anything we like" the now human statues enquired? "Yes, anything you like" the fairy god mother replied. The couple joined hands and ran behind a nearby hedge. Giggling, moaning, and deep breathing noises emanated from behind the hedge concluding with "Yes, Yes, Yes - oh god that was worth waiting for". The couple emerged from behind the hedge looking dishevelled. "Wow, said the female , shall  we  do  it again?"  "Oh yeah said the male, but this time you hold the pidgeon and I'll crap on its head!"