Time for a chuckle? - Page 2

That was great.  I hope the dad is ok.  What a precious child.

At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with an explanation."  The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story.

"Your Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept.  I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?'  I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf.  This ain't rocket science.'  Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?' 'Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?  My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!

Complete darkness and the power went off! 'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.' Belinda said, and headed for the door. 'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'

Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared.  And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me ... half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!  After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.  Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.'  'You bet, take care' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin.  Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!'  The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch.  Are we upset?'

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."

                 Ten Best Caddie Remarks

#10
Golfer:   "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy:   "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9
Golfer:   "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy:   "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8
Golfer:   "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy:  "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now. "

#7
Golfer:   "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy:   "Eventually. "

#6
Golfer:   "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy:   "I don't think so sir.  That would be too much of a coincidence. "

#5
Golfer:   "Please stop checking your watch all the time.  It's a big distraction. "
Caddy:   "It's not a watch ~ it's a compass."      (my favorite)
 
#4
Golfer:   "How do you like my game?"
Caddy:  "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3
Golfer:   "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy:  "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#2
Golfer:   "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy:   "This isn't the golf course.  We left that hours' ago."  (my second favorite)

#1
Golfer:   "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy:   "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Don't laugh...It could happen to you.

$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.

I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.  Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.

He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.   I stood there stupefied.   I am 48, not even 50 yet?   A mere child!   Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.   Was he blind?   As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.  Old?  Me?

I'll show him, I thought.   I opened the door and headed back inside.   I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.   Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now?  A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"  I stared with utter disdain at the keys.  I began to rationalize in my mind.
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!   It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck.  I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.  What now?   I checked my keys and tried another.  Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.   I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.  Then, a few other objects came into focus.  The car seat in the back seat.   Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.  A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.  That is when I felt it deep in the bowels of my stomach: Hunger!   My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time.

There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.  All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"   All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?"   At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.   He was holding up a drink and a bag.   His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."  
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.   She offered these kind words:  "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40.  Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.   And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

CONTINUED --


As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.   I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.   I sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.