Everyone Lighten Up-Let's Tell Some Jokes - Page 2

You guys these are great jokes!!

oooops! forgot to type. whaddya expect.......i'm blonde!

thanks for some good chuckles this  morning!

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

This appeared on Craigslist

Package Deal - Free Husband and Audi

The title says it all – I am looking to give my husband away, and yes, he comes with a 2003 Audi A-4, 3/0, Midnight blue w/ tan interior and teak trim, sunroof, and 6 CD changer. How can you beat that deal – free! To sweeten the deal, I’ll even throw in a 42” Flat screen TV, only a few months old, and the best watch dog on the planet.

My husband is a great catch for the right woman. He is hard working, and totally devoted to furthering his already successful career. He has the most beautiful blue eyes, and thick dark hair. He is a really great guy, not to mention his car is awesome, so I want to make sure he goes to a good home.

To insure that he is claimed by the right woman – because there is a NO Return Policy -there are a few requirements that must be met:

1) You must either cook, or enjoy Bojangle’s and cereal a lot. He is able to cook, but simply refuses, and will blame his busy schedule for the lack of effort.

2) He makes a good living, and I promise not to ask for much, but he does have a teenage daughter who you will have to battle for his cash.

3) You must have a large amount of self-confidence. Otherwise you may find yourself becoming jealous of his computer and Blackberry. But don’t worry, he won’t bring them into the bedroom, so the sooner you get him in there, the better off you’ll be. A little hint as to how to do this easier, is to have a sporting event playing on the TV at the foot of the bed.

4) You must like dogs! As he will have the greatest watch dog on the planet on tow. This is the best dog – you will never have to worry about those pesky door-to-door salesmen. However, I urge you to take some of my husband’s money and purchase a steam-cleaner.

5) You must be emotionally independent and able to read minds. He does not feel it is his responsibility to provide any emotional support, or share his feelings or thoughts, in addition to providing a paycheck.

However, I must say that for the right woman who does meet the criteria, the sex will be awesome! He is very talented with what I can only describe as God given gifts. He has a special gift, he calls “The Boob Thing” and it is mind blowing. It is the type of thing that he could make a fortune with, if he charged a fee. If more women knew of this man’s talents I wouldn’t have to be doing this – women would be chasing him, and men would offer gifts of appreciation for lessons.

So, there it is – a husband, an Audi, a 42” Flat screen TV (only slightly used), the greatest watchdog on the planet, and tremendous sexual satisfaction – all for FREE!

Please respond if interested. If not, I’ll see what else I have around the house to throw in.

DoRightFearNoOne walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks DoRight, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," DoRight says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. "
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

Here is "MC BUILT"www.youtube.com/watch

VODKA = BLOWING CHUNKS

After a hard day of work, a man walks into the local bar. "I'll take ten shots of your strongest boose" the man says, "But please, no vodka." The bar tender, cocks his head, and looks at the man, and askes, "Why no vodka sir?" The man replies, "Vodka makes me blow chunks." The bartender smiles, and says, "Well, sir, ten of ANYTHING would make someone blow chunks." The man, looking quite embarassed whispers, "No, bartender, you misunderstand me, Chunks, is my dog."

Good one Naya. LOL

angusmom stole my "jesus" joke, so I will come up with another.

Abhay and a couple of his buds are playing golf and Abhay is about to swing away, for a drive on a par four hole, but as he is swinging, he notices on the road near the golf course, a funeral procession of many cars.  He stops in mid swing, lowers his club, takes off his cap, holds it to his heart and bows his head in the direction of the funeral procession.  His buddies are mystified and one of them says to Abhay, "man, that is the most human, touching thing I have ever seen you do",  as the funeral procession rounds the corner and disappears from sight.  Abhay puts his hat back on and re-positions himself for the swing and says "It's the least I could do, we've been married for thirty five years".

Do Right is in a bar and is slobbering drunk, and walks up to the bar tender and orders a beer.  Abhay, the bartender says to him, "no way man, you are just too f---ed up to have another".  Do Right says to Abhay, "bullshit, I am as sober as they come.  I could pee in a bottle spinning on a bar stool".  Abhay the bartender says, "yea right, Do Right, I doubt that". 

Do Right says to Abhay, "I'll bet you ten bucks I can".  Abhay says "I'll take that bet, you old fool", and walks around the bar, bringing an empty beer bottle with him, and sits it on a stool right next to Do Right.  Abhay spins the bar stool and says to Do Right :"Okay, fool, win your bet".  Do Right whips out his pecker and proceeds to try and pee in the bottle that is spinning on the bar stool.  Piss is flying everywhere but into the bottle.  It is getting all over the floor, all over the stools and all over Abhays shoes and pant legs.  Abhay is just roaring with laughter.  Abhay says to Do Right, "You owe me ten bucks fool".  Do Right pulls out a ten spot and hands it over to Abhay and walks back to his table. 

Abhay is still laughing and sees several guys at Do Rights table handing him twenty dollar bills.  Do Right then walks out of the bar.  Abhay walks over to that table and asks why the guys were handing Do Right twenty dollar bills.  They tell him that Do Right bet them that he could piss all over Abhay and Abhay would just laugh about it.

Talking Dog For Sale...

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks."

Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story? "The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eaves- dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down .I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.