Joke - Page 1

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He
walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to
ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to
ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd
get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my
leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."
 

LOL!

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

TICKLING

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the woman felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

"I found the remote," he mumbled.
​
 

DO tell.!!!

...par for the course!!!

lol

YR

LOL Chef Bee

DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THE  REMOTE AT MY  HOUSE...

Sons dog ate it...

YR.

...I can feel the proverbial elbow in the rib cage.

 The Bridge      A man on his Harley was riding along a  California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'   The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii  so I can ride over anytime I want.'    God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!  I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.  Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'   The biker thought about it for a long  time. Finally, he said, 'God, I   wish that I , and all men,  could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.                                                                     God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"    

A man was walking in the woods. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and he was really enjoying his walk when he spotted a bear off in the distance. The bear noticed him at about the same moment, and after giving a loud warning grunt, began to run towards him.

The man took to his heels, but every time he glanced over his shoulder, he could see the bear was getting closer and closer. Finally, he could feel the bear's breath on the back of his neck. Terrified, he cried out, "OH GOD HELP ME!!"

Suddenly, everything stopped. There were no more birds singing, no more hot breaths on the back of his neck, and when he looked down, he found he was standing with one foot in midair, frozen in position. Then, a deep voice said, "You called?"

"God, is that YOU?" the man asked, incredulous.

"Yes, it is," replied the voice, "and I must confess I am very surprised that you, a confirmed atheist, would call out to me in your moment of need. Do you REALLY expect me to help you?"

"Yeah, God, I gotta admit, I guess that is a little hypocritical of me... I tell ya what. Maybe could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Hmmm," responded the Almighty. "That's not such a bad idea! Okay, if you're in agreement..."

The man nodded, still a little out of breath from running, and the shock of having his cry for help answered.

In the next moment, he found himself standing on the forest floor again. The birds were once again singing, the sun was shining, and a gentle breeze was blowing. He and the bear looked at each other for a moment, then the bear dropped to his knees and folded its paws.

"Oh, Lord, for what I am about to receive, may I be truly thankful..."