Anyone else heard any good ones lately? - Page 16

Merry Christmas to everyone!


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As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection.

A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Hold Johnny, (our six-week-old son), while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. And I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was NOT mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster.

It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding.

With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine guys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"

 

You guys have been busy! Thank you for your continued contributions.....LOL! Good ones, really! Thanks, & keep 'em coming! jackie harris

Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving School.
They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited, and arrange to meet for lunch.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress.

She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number.
After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University , she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London ’s leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal .

Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University , studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy .

Mary explains that she after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco’s. They live in a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people’s home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent .

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

LOL@Ninja, now that was funny!

The Italian Wedding

 

 

I was a very happy man.      My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.   There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.   My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.  One day my girlfriend's  'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.    She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'  I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.  Low and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'  And the moral of this story is:          Always keep your condoms in your car

An old prospector shuffled into the town of

Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old

man headed straight for the only saloon in town,

to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule

to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust

from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger

stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one


and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and

laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and

said, "No son, I don't dance... never really

wanted to"

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned

and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance

now!" and started shooting at the old man's

feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe

blown off, started hopping around like a flea

on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young

gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and

turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a

double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked

both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the

desert air. The crowd stopped laughing

immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and

he turned around very slowly.

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched

as the young gunman stared at the old timer and

the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge

barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the

old man's hands, as he quietly said;

"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No

sir... but... I've always wanted to"

There are a few lessons for all of us here:

* Don't be arrogant.

* Don't waste ammunition.

* Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*
Always make sure you know who is in control.
..
* And finally, Don't screw around with old folks;

they didn't get old by being stupid...

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't

you?

A joke from my nursing days. Hope it's not too offensive to post here. Nursing humour tends to be a bit gross!

A young man was admitted to the E.R. with a foreign object lodged in his rectum. We'll skip over the details as to HOW it got there, but the young man did mutter something about how he slipped and fell in the shower, which caused the nurses and attending doctor to roll their eyes.

After the doctor had a chance to assess the situation, he asked the nurse to bring him the items he'd need to remove it.

She soon returned with at tray. On the tray was a speculum, a pair of rubber gloves and a bottle of beer.

The patient raised his eyebrows as he looked at the tray. "Hey doc, I can understand the speculum and gloves, but what's the beer for?"

The doctor took a look, saw there was indeed a bottle of Budweiser on the tray, opened the exam room door and yelled after the nurse, "Hey Nurse Adams, I asked you for a BUTT LIGHT!"

Another example of mis-communication, this time from real life...

An online friend of mine is from the southern States, and has quite the drawl. She was dining in a restaurant north of the Mason-Dixon line, and asked the waitress for some iced tea.

The waitress soon returned with a bottle of Asti Spumante! 

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after
her neighbor's male dog at her house while they were away on vacation.
 
She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart. As she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.
 
She was unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next. Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
 
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said.. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will withdraw."
 
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
 
"It just worked for me" he replied. 
  




  
  
 

LOL@ NINJA !!!!