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by StrayPixels on 07 December 2011 - 01:12
OMG!!! That craig's list troll site was soooooo funny!
I just sat here for 2 days reading that stuff!
Thanks so much for the laughs!
by Jyl on 07 December 2011 - 08:12
Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you're broke?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe, you believe them but, if they tell you there is wet paint, you have to touch it to check?
Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that, no matter what colour bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the first end you try?
How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart, then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right"? Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE…
The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends.
If they're OK, then it's you.
by Jyl on 07 December 2011 - 09:12
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
by Jyl on 07 December 2011 - 09:12
A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriffs Dept. was being interviewed.
The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's
an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a Smith and Wesson 45 pistol across the desk, he says to the man,
"Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' Democrats, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" the man asked.
"That's the attitude we're looking for." said the Sergeant, "When can you start?"
by keepthefaith on 07 December 2011 - 16:12
He does not post too often with new ad responses. I guess a lot of people don't fall for it and cut the communication quickly but some of those who respond are really hilarious.
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A man walked into the Produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some ass-hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
" Oklahoma , sir." the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Oklahoma ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players there."
"Really?" said the manager "My wife is from Oklahoma ."
"Get outta here!" the boy said ... "Who'd she play for?"
by Ninja181 on 08 December 2011 - 00:12
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
by Red Sable on 08 December 2011 - 00:12
hahahahaha, good ones!
by keepthefaith on 08 December 2011 - 15:12
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!'
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Anybody?'
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'
Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued ... 'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One. you have a dirty mind.
Two. you didn't read your homework.
And three. One day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed.
by Kalibeck on 08 December 2011 - 20:12
by keepthefaith on 09 December 2011 - 17:12
A 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns
gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a
bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous christmas, she
opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother
drank a little.... then a little more. Before they knew it, she had
drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom
before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and whispered, "Don't sell that cow."
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