Anyone else heard any good ones lately? - Page 9

Subject:  A B C D E F G H I J K A wife asked her husband to describe her .....

He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.'

She said, 'What does that mean?'

He said: Adorable, Beautiful, Cute,
                      Delightful,  Elegant, Foxy,
                       Gorgeous, Hot'.

She said: 'Oh that's so lovely. What about
                             I, J, K ?'

He said:  I'm Just Kidding.....!!

 

He woke up in the hospital.

IRS Know It All   At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use.   Good question, noted the CFO. We save them up and send them back to  the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of  bandages.   Oh, replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with whats left over after setting a cast on a patient?   Ah, yes, replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.   I see, replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. Well, he went on, What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?   Here, too, we do not waste, answered the CFO. What we do is save  all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once  a year they send us a complete dick.

 

I haven't been here in a while.......you guys have been busy! Good ones! LOL! jackie harris

Well Jackie, here is another one:

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'

Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off

A young Nipmuc Indian brave approached the Chief and asked him how they came up with names for the newly born Indians.

The chief informed him that newly born Indians are usually named after something that happened around the time of their birth, or was associated with their birth. For instance he said, "your friend running dear. The night before he was born a large deer ran right by his mother". Also your other friend two bears, well the day he was born his mother saw two bears eating berries very close to her.

The young brave started to walk away, he turned and said "thank you" to the chief for answering his question. The chief responded "you're welcome Broken Condom".

I guess its better than "Smelly Fart"......imagine.

Thanks for the chuckle all you guys...keep them coming :)

You know you're a Redneck if your idea of loading the dishwasher...

   .... is getting your wife drunk!!!    lol,,
 

Very funny! You guys & your jokes & good natured ribbing helps keep me sane! Thank you muchly! jackie harris

A man sitting next to a kid on an airplane turned to him and said, "Let's talk"
Kid: What do we talk about?
Man (making fun of kid): How about nuclear power ?
Kid: Interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question. Horses, cows and deer all eat grass yet deer excretes pellets, cows Flat dunks and horses Clumps. Why?
Man: I don’t know.. 

Child: Do u really feel qualified enough to discuss nuclear issues when u don’t even know shit ?




A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send a mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed the wrong email address, and without realizing he sent the mail to a widow who has just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message she fainted.The son rushed in to the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife, I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have Computers here, and we are allowed to send emails to loved ones. I just got here and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Expecting you darling. I can't wait to see you!




There was this snail who wanted to be a F1 racing driver.
He went along to the track and asked the team manager if he could drive.

The racing team manager said, 'Yes, but you can't have a number on your car, you can only have an 'S' because you are a snail.'

The Snail was OK about this is so he entered the race.

The race started and the snail's car was at the back...but suddenly he sped to the front, over-taking all the cars and won!!


As the spectators saw the Snail speed past them, they yelled
'WOW! LOOK AT THAT S-CAR GO!!'