Anyone else heard any good ones lately? - Page 4

SAD NEWS - Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough, plus they had one in the Oven. Services were held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes

A Sunday School Teacher asked her class. When you die and go to heaven which part of your body should enter first?

Beth spoke up and answered first, "she said I think it should be your hands". Why do you think that Beth? Asked the Teacher.  "Because I think it would be beautiful to enter heaven with our hands together in the prayer formation". Wonderful answer Beth said the teacher.

Next Little Billy spoke up, he said "he thought we should enter heaven feet first". Why do you think that asked the teacher? Well the other night I walked into my parents bedroom and my mother's legs were straight up into the air. My mother was screaming "Oh My God I'm coming". Thank goodness my father was on top of her or we probably would have lost her.

Subject: Why I Am now Divorced   Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel
Very well waking up on that morning.
 
I went downstairs for breakfast  
Hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,  
'Happy Birthday!',  
And possibly have a small present for me.
 As it turned out,  
He barely said good morning,  
Let alone ' Happy Birthday.' 
  
I thought....  
  
Well, that's marriage for you,  
But the kids.... They will remember.  
 
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
And didn't say a word.. 
So when I left for the office,  
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office,  
My handsome Boss Rick, said,  
'Good Morning, lady,  
And by the way  
Happy Birthday! '  
 
 

It felt a little better  
That at least someone had remembered.  
 
 
I worked until one o'clock ,  
When Rick knocked on my door  
And said, 'You know,  
It's such a beautiful day outside,  
And it is your Birthday,  
What do you say we go out to lunch,  
Just you and me..'  
 
 

I said, 'Thanks, Rick,  
that's the greatest thing  
I've heard all day. Let's go!'  
 
We went to lunch.

  



 
 
 
 

cont'd
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro  
With a private table.  
We had two martinis each  
And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.  
 
 
On the way back to the office,
Rick said, 'You know,  
It's such a beautiful day...  
We don't need to go straight back to the office,  
Do We?'  
 
 
I responded, 'I guess not.  
What do you have in mind?'  
He said, 'Let's drop by my place,  
it's just around the corner.'  
After arriving at his house,  
Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind,  
I'm going to step into the bedroom  
For just a moment.  
I'll be right back.'  
'Ok.' I nervously replied. 
 
He went into the bedroom and,  
After a couple of minutes,  
He came out  
Carrying a huge birthday cake ...  
Followed by my husband 
My kids, and dozens of my friends  
And co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
 
And I just sat there....  
On the couch....  
 
 
 
Naked.  

A young handsome man went down to Miami Beach on vacation. He put on his bathing suit and was walking up and down the beach trying to pic up a few chics. After an hour or so and no luck he was getting mad.

He looked over and there is this ugly scrawny nerd with about 10 chics all over him. So he walked over and asked the nerd if he could talk to him for a couple minutes alone. They went about 30' away from the girls and the young handsome man said, "look I don't want to pick on you but obviously I'm a lot more attractive than you and I can't even pic up a single chic and you got 10 all over you. What am I doing wrong?

Well said the nerd why don't you walk across the street to the vegetable stand, get the biggest potato you can find and stuff it in your bathing suit.

So the young man did exactly what he was told and started walking up and down the beach again. After a half hour and no luck he headed back over to the nerd who now had around 15 chics draped all over him. Again he asked if could could talk privately with the nerd.

He asked the nerd, look I did what you said and I still can't attact any chics what am I doing wrong. The nerd replied, "well for starters you might want to move that potato around to the front of your bathing suit".

Things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over...

I only had one officer Mr. Keg..

Back off Barney, I've got a piece.

Want to race to the station, Sparky?

I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!

On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.

You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!

Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?

How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?

I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?

Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

"Bad Cop! No Donut!"

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.

You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

"Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"

Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?

Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.

I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket

So, uh, you "on the take", or what?

Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?

Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder.

Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

Hey, you look like that girl I fucked a few days ago...

Aren't you one of the Village People?

Hey officer, want to see a trick? Look at your wife! 

 

A Viet Nam Vet applies at the Post Office for a job.

A week later he gets an interview, during the interview he is asked if he has any disabilities from the War. He replies, "Yes I lost two testicles but it doesn't affect me performing any job. He is told to go home and they will contact him.

A week later he recives a call from a Post Office Supervisor who informs him that he got the job, and to report to work the following day at 10:00 AM. He is elated and thanks the supervisor, but asks him why 10:00 AM I thought you people started at 8:00 AM?

The Supervisor says, "hey look this is a government job everyone sits around for the first two hours scratching their balls.

Kenton Police Chief melts down and orders prosecutor to subpoena and identify individual who made a South Park style cartoon series.  The Chief is so blown out he may have a heart attack if he doesn't get control himself.  He is trying to make a federal case out of this and has absolutely no sense of humor.
http://www.kirotv.com/news/28758502/detail.html 

Here's another good one. This article is a little hard to follow, but it involves alleged police entrapment using attractive females scantily clad.  Alcohol and lust are a bad combo and in this case, the entrapment appears to be illegal.  Even so, the story is still a hoot, and the driver may walk on this offense.  He claims he would have never fallen for it if the women were not attractive and did not "flash him".
http://www.mercurynews.com/news/ci_18589548?nclick_check=1 

Wow, see what happens when you have to be at work for a week? Super stories & great jokes, every one! Thanks, I needed them! jackie harris