check out my emotional poem;

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by beetree on 04 October 2013 - 10:10

Okay, now for vk4, his critique. Remember any suggestions are entirely up for disregard. These things often get worked and reworked, but we'll keep at it until we find, what I call that moment when you know you found the right words. I am going to break it into bits just to get started.

an ode to two that can not be named;

1+1=2
a fact so simple, self evident and true
but facts you deny, you believe in a lie
so here's a fact i made just for you

you are more absurd than two talking turds
and between you, you don't even have half a clue

I am not sure, is the top line the start of the poem, or an introduction to us here in the forum? I took it as an intro, and really, I don't think you need it. You contradict yourself by naming names, further in this stanza, here:

well here' something swell i can't wait to tell
a tale of shtal, the avenging angel
with gouda the fraud waving your sword in the name of the lord
you will both be burning in hell.

I do think your original instincts are correct because being specific by naming makes it a personal thing, (like a love letter!) and risks losing involvement with your readership. This is not supposed to be a personal poem for them is it? But a reaction that is common with many? Go with that, I think. We'll rework the names out and make a more powerful message.

I actually think your title could be:

1 + 1 = 2

A fact so simple, self evident and true
But facts you deny,
You believe in a lie!
So here's a fact I made just for you:

Both talkers so absurd
That between you two
You have no clue
No one listens to a turd!

Okay... I reworked your words for you, a bit, but hopefully you will see where I am going with this....? I think you should make this a poem that will stand the test of time, is all. Well, that's all the time I have for the moment....