OT- Bored, Funny stories - Page 5

Pecans In The Cemetery...

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.  One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of the nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me...One for you, one for me," Said one boy.  Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. 

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.  As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.  He slowed down to investigate.  Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me.  One for you, one for me."

He knew just what it was.  He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard!  Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?"  When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence, they heard, "One for you, one for me.  One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth.  Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me.  That's all.  Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full five minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

A woman who's a friend of mine sent this one...Written by a man...I think we need one written by girls for the guys...


#10. You can trade an old .44 for a new 22.



#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another one for when you're on the road



#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.



#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.



#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.



#5. A gun doesn't take up all your closet space.



#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.



#3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look too fat?"



#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.



#1. AND FINALLY, YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!!!!!!

HMMMM...That gets me thinking...

Crys

THE MAN CODE

This is it. So it has been written, so it shall be....The CODE

1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate.

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be
legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother,
father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker,
you need not and should not provide any useful information
whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny
his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you
must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent
without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is
allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up
a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister
is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy
who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required
to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on
the classic 1-10 babe scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies
refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature
is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is
strictly optional and slightly gay.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that
your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should
you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex
with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at
your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his
permission and he in return is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated
as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the
ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem--you didn't
see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move
is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event,
you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you
may never ask who's playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her
whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead
only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time
to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only
when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered
by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman
must remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to
fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the
last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this
guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and
enjoy.

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight
lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Hard

Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice
of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be
referring to his beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except
when she's withholding sex pending your response.

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal
footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all
other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car,
you may not join him...too gay.

Read the story before looking at the picture below!!

Well, there is good news and bad news about my Christmas decorations this year

Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down. First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by. Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder and almost killed herself putting it against my house; she didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard.



Kind of feel like I gave in to 'the man' by taking him down but my neighbor did confirm to near miss accidents on the busy street next to my house. I think I made him too real this time...



So it was fun while it lasted!

It is good to be a woman:
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

Sitting together on a train traveling through the Canadian Rockies was a fellow from Newfoundland, a fellow from Quebec, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde lady.
.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the fellow from Quebec has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The little old Greek lady thinks: "The fellow from Quebec must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek."

The blonde lady thinks: "That fellow from Quebec must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek."

The fellow from Quebec thinks: "That fellow from Newfoundland must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead."

The fellow from Newfoundland thinks: "I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the fellow from Quebec again.

Best Regards,
Bob-O

Sunsilver,

It is always good to hear your confessions you...................women!!!!!!


Ibrahim

Sunsilver,

It is always good to hear your confessions you...................women!!!!!!


Ibrahim

Here's one of the funniest things that ever happened re. my dogs.

One weekend, my husband's sons, Keith and Kevin, were visiting, and we took Tasha out into the woods to do some tracking, with the boys laying the trail for her. Unfortunately, there were deer in the woods, and she got distracted, so the tracking didn't go too well.

On the way back home, my husband was talking about our dog, and said, "Of course, there was the time Kevin bit the postman..."

There was a moment of shocked silence, then Kevin responded, "I did??"

Then, we all burst out laughing, except for my husband, who kept right on talking, totally oblivious to what he'd said!