OT- Bored, Funny stories - Page 4

Another good one!

I went to "Lowes" recently, while not being altogether
sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous
evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented
road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a
written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of
your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even
after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing
happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming
their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the
usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and
lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure
of just when, I bravely set off for "Lowes" Store, my quest being
paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store, at
first all seemed normal... I selected a cart and began pushing it
about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the
opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking
about... I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that
always seems to hit us at the wrong time...The thing is, this pain
was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were
staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through
the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines,
and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms
which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a
warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section,
suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never
before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this
vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the
lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of
it, just as a clerk in a red apron turned the corner and asked if I
needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what
his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to
dissipate... Have you ever been torn in two different directions
emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least
will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply
watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently
indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before
gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and
waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry
bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.
......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things
'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw, an
explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud
and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had
ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a
shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and
I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a
cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal
assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the
john. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what
is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound,
and disguste

Ibrahim:

Thanks for the great contribution    kept me laughing....Yes  if you grow old too fast  you will be on one of those cards for sale in the local    resale shop.....!!!

YR

and disgustedly said, Did it smell that bad when you ate it?' then quickly
left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my
partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a
store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step
outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink
bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high
for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual
gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling
his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing
manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!' He ran off, returning moments later with
the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and
asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was
nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The
next day I went to shop at Target. I can't say any more about that,
because we are in court over the whole matter.

> Subj: When you have a bad day

>
> > >> Good news for employees who hate their job. When you
> > >> have a "I Hate My Job" day, try this:
>
> > >> On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and
> > >> go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal
> > >> thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson
>
> > >> Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home,
> > >> lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the
> > >> phone so you will not be disturbed.
>
> > >> Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your
> > >> favorite chair.
>
> > >> Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now,
> > >> carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it
> > >> will not become chipped or broken.
>
> > >> Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from
> > >> the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in
> > >> small print there is a statement:
>
> > >> "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is
> > >> personally tested and then sanitized".
>
> > >> Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,"
> > >> I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality
> > >> control at Johnson & Johnson."

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling by now.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,

'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

Why grown men shouldn't have action figures

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.



The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :




Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?




Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.




One student, however, wrote the following:




First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.




Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added..




This gives two possibilities:




1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.


2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressur e will drop until Hell freezes over.


So which is it?


If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Bear Catcher

>
>
>
> A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.
>
> So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear > Removers.'
>
> He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 > minutes..
>
> The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a > baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
>
> 'What are you going to do,' the home owner asks?
>
> 'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go > up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the > bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let > go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in > the back of the van.'
>
> He hands the shotgun to the home owner.
>
> 'What's the shotgun for?' asks the home owner.
>
> 'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.'
>

Like the pics, Ibrahim..I'm going to go raid my email and see if I can find some more of these to put up...

Crys