OT-HUMOR FOR WOMEN - Page 2

Now this is funny.

I've read both of these when they were sent to my email...Totally hilarious.  I nearly broke ribs reading the one about waxing to my hubby.

Crys

Thanks for the chuckle, Hodie!! Fortunately, from the first months I started schutzhund, I found myself forced to use a public restroom, or, worse, a porta-potty. Don't get me wrong, I VALUE their availability, because of too many times at a training field with no option other than bushes, or a car trip to the nearest Miceky D's for relief. ¶But, I had a mom with the same admonishments as everyone else. So, after the first few months as a schutzhunder, I fashioned myself a "potty pack" with a small spray bottle (or can) of Lysol, seat covers, personal rolls of tp, and Handi-wipes. I leave it in the car for the training field/trials/shows and have one for luggage for travel. ¶I haven't come up wth a persoanl, portable solution for that non-latching door, yet. :-)

Mystere? Tie your dog to the door handle, and tell it to 'pas auf'! That oughta do it...

Here's one about a mammogram. I believe it's [major SHUDDER!] actually a true story...


The First Time's Always the Worst

The first mammogram is the worst. Especially when the machine catches
on fire.

That's what happened to me. The technician, Gail, positioned me exactly as she wanted me (think a really complicated game of Twister - right hand on the blue, left shoulder on the yellow, right breast as far away as humanly possible from the rest of your body). Then she clamped the machine down so tight, I think my breast actually turned inside out. I'm pretty sure Victoria's Secret doesn't have a bra for that.

Suddenly, there was a loud popping noise. I looked down at my right breast to make sure it hadn't exploded. Nope, it was still flat as a pancake and still attached to my body.

"Oh no!" Gail said loudly. These are perhaps, the words you least want to hear from any health professional. Suddenly, she came flying pas me, her lab coat whipping behind her, on her way out the door. She yelled over her shoulder, "The machine's on fire, I'm going to get help!"

OK, I was wrong, 'The machine's on fire,' are the worst words you can hear from a health professional. Especially if you're all alone and semi-permanently attached to A MACHINE and don't know if it's THE MACHINE in question.

I struggled for a few seconds trying to get free, but even Houdini couldn't have escaped. I decided to go to plan B: yelling at the top of my lung (the one that was still working).

I hadn't seen anything on fire, so my panic hadn't quite reached epic proportions. But then I started to smell smoke coming from behind the partition. "This is ridiculous," I thought. I can't die like this. What would they put in my obituary? Cause of death: breast entrapment?

I may have inhaled some fumes because I started to hallucinate. An imaginary fireman rushed in with a firehose and a hatchet. "Howdy, ma'am," he said. "What's happened here?" he asked, averting his eyes.

"My breasts were too hot for the machine," I quipped, as my imaginary fireman ran out of the room again. "This is gonna take the Jaws of Life!"

In reality, Gail returned with a fire extinguisher and put out the fire. She gave me a big smile and released me from the machine. "Sorry! That's the first time that's ever happened. Why don't you take a few minutes to relax before we finish up?"

I think that's what she said. I was running across the parking lot in my backless paper gown at the time. After I'd relaxed for a few years, I figured I might go back. But I will be bringing my own fire extinguisher.

Yikes, Sunsilver..I won't use one of those if I have to change a tampon...NO WAY!!

I'll wait and deal with the consequences until I can get to a real bathroom!

Been there, though.  Never done the mammogram...a manogram might be fun to watch...

A fair we went to a couple of years ago had those...we went on Thursday...The potties weren't too bad.  By Friday night they were getting bad, and by Sunday...Thank God we were going home!  Drunk people have no idea where they are going or what they are doing, I swear...

Crys

 Thanks hodie for this thread, and the bathroom tale!  lol

(I won't even mention my experience in China...)

But Ronnie, a very very special thanks to you...  I've been looking for that Ryan's Steak House story for years.  I swear it was written by a friend of a friend back when I was a grad student in North Carolina.  That's quite a few email accounts ago but I felt sure it must be preserved for posterity out there somewhere.  Bless you.

You guys made my night with this stuff.
A paper towel folded multiple times will hold most pottie-stall doors shut, but I have found that big hairy sable tail coming out from under the door REALLY discourages visitors.

This next one is dedicated to all the women, who, like myself, suffer or used to suffer extremely painful periods, complete with nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, chills and fevers. God, I sure don't miss those days one little bit!



MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you fucking kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons Austin, TX

Oh that last one was great Sunsilver. The George Forman Grill was the best. LMFAO

(In case that didn't work....   ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!)