evidence of intelligent design? - Page 1

 skipping the contradictions in gen 1 & 2

Garden of Eden: 

Yahweh's original Plan: create a man to dress and keep the Garden.  Well, OK, we'll throw in a woman 'cause the guy doesn't like sheep "that" way.  Serpent, apple, Plan fails.  Instead of figuring out some way to fix things and get the gardener he originally wanted, he kicks A & E out of the Garden to...well, he didn't exactly make a new Plan, except that they'd have to work hard and Eve would suffer in childbirth.


Antediluvian World: 

Yahweh goes on vacation for about a thousand years or so (depending on how you tally up the genealogies).  Fail to plan, plan to fail.  Sure enough, he doesn't like what he sees when he gets back.  Too violent!  Solution: HULK SMAAAASH! (or, well, SPLASH, I guess).


The Noah Do-Over:

Noah and his family clamber out of the Ark, and Yahweh finally comes up with the idea to tell the humans that killing each other isn't OK.  Remember, he doesn't like violence.  Pretty much the first thing he does though, is (apparently) sanction a curse Noah puts on Ham's son Canaan for something Ham did, so that Canaan and all his descendents must be slaves...which pretty much requires violence, doesn't it?


Tower of Babel:

Quite sensibly, people decide that if Yahweh drowned the last world because there was too much violence, that they should get together and create a single, peaceful, unified society.  Not violent enough!  So, Yahweh kicks their anthill over by screwing up their languages so they can't communicate with each other.  It didn't occur to him that this might become a problem when he gets around to trying to spread his "word."


Intermission: The Abraham Family God

At this point, Yahweh almost seems to learn that he's not quite ready to handle big, complicated stuff like governing the whole human race.  So, he takes a break from all that.  Instead of trying to be the One, True Big-G God of All the Universe, he steps down for awhile to practice being "the god of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob"--a small-scale, family god who does stuff like help arrange marriages and do minor genetic engineering on goats to boost the size of a guy's herd.  He actually seems to do OK as a character in a soap opera about pastoral nomads; at least, the ones he likes prosper and grow in number and he never finds himself compelled to annihilate them.


The Mosaic Covenant:

Unfortunately, success pulls Yahweh back beyond his level of incompetence.  The Abraham Family multiplies from family, to tribe, to nation, and now Yahweh finds himself dabbling in international politics again.  Unable to prevent a famine in "the Promised Land," Yahweh maneuvers things so that they can go take refuge in Egypt, where the local gods are pretty good at taking care of things on a national scale.  400 years later though, things have gone south and Yahweh gets in the mood for some blood and guts.  So he smashes Egypt up and leads his people out amidst mighty signs and wonders, for which he is ever so proud of himself.  He whipped some Bronze Age humans!  He did!  He really did!  And so, he establishes the glow-rious Covenant with Moses, lays down the Law and everything!  But, Moses comes down the hill and finds that the people are breaking Laws they haven't heard of yet, so he kills 3,000 of them.  And so the cycle begins: the people piss Yahweh and/or Moses off, Yahweh does something nasty to them, they're scared into submission for awhile, lather, rinse, repeat. 

At one point, Yahweh tells Moses that he's going to (you guessed it) smash it all and start over, killing these annoying people and making Moses the father of a new, new Chosen People.  Luckily for them, Moses is able to talk him out of it by saying "Dude, the Egyptians will totally laugh at you if you do that!"  So, instead, Yahweh just makes them wander around in the same small tract of land for 40 years until they all die out and he gets to Start Over with a new generation.  Same strategy, just slower.  He's really innovating!


Joshua and the Judges:

So, the New Generation goes in and does a massive Hitler/Genghis Khan/Islamic State number on the people living in "the Promised Land" and all is well...until Joshua tips over.  Then, we get a cycle of "people turn to other deities (because, who can blame them?), Yahweh sends some foreigners to smash them, Yahweh picks a "Judge" to slaughter the foreigners, lather, rinse, repeat.  Each foreign occupation gets worse and lasts longer.


The Monarchy:

Finally, the people say, "You know, this shit isn't working.  All the other countries around us aren't getting stomped into the ground every generation.  They all have kings.  How 'bout we try that too?"  This pisses Yahweh off (or at least the current reigning Judge, Samuel says so, but maybe he was biased?).  Yahweh can't think of a better idea, so he picks the biggest, handsomest guy around to be the king.  Fail.  King Saul completely sucks, so Yahweh tries again, picking a humble shepherd boy, 'cause maybe the opposite way will be better?  After lots and lots of bloodshed, David manages to cobble a kingdom together and even pass it on to his son.  But, long story short: monarchy doesn't work either, and after some "good" kings (read, theocratic genocidal tyrants who massacre everybody who doesn't practice the official religion) and "bad" kings (read: kings who allowed freedom of religion, more or less), Yahweh smashes up the Hebrew Monarchy using the Assyrian and Babylonian Empires...or at least claims credit for their wins.


The New Covenant:

Turns out the "everlasting covenants" he made with Abraham and Moses sucked.  Time for Yahweh to toss the Jews out on their ears and try working with all those people he's been ignoring all this time, a.k.a. the "gentiles."  For his next Do Over, Yahweh will establish an everlasting (no, really!) New Covenant, in which he will sacrifice himself to himself in order to appease himself, because that's totally better than all that crap with the sacrificing of bulls and goats.  Anyway, along comes Jesus.  He picks out Twelve Disciples, and tells them that they'll sit on twelve thrones and judge the nations (except that according to his Plan, only eleven of them will because one has to betray him, but ahem, move along).


The New, New Covenant:

That plan didn't even last long enough for the Gospels to be written.  Within a couple decades, "the Twelve" get replaced as the apples of Yahweh's eye by some new guy named Paul, who writes more than half of something that will one day be called "the New Testament."  "The Twelve" apparently failed so hard that we never even find out what happened to them, or why they got replaced by Paul.


Apocalypse, Real Soon Now:

The "New Testament" is filled stem to stern with promises that Jesus is gonna come just about any time, Smash It All (again) and Make a New, Better World (again).  The "canon" is closed with the Apocalypse (or "Revelation") of John, a book which spells out in lurid, bad-acid-trip detail how, exactly, Yahweh is going to methodically smash the world, exterminate the vast majority of the human population, and establish his rule on Earth, and reign for a thousand years.


Apocalypse, Again, A Thousand Years Later:

John of Patmos is shown in a vision, ostensibly under the auspices of Jesus himself, which predicts that Jesus' rule on Earth will be so unsuccessful that the world will enlist with Satan as soon as he gets out on parole, and have another go at overthrowing Yahweh and Jesus.  Really?  After a thousand years of Jesus' "perfect" governance?  Funny how Jesus knows he's gonna suck, but can't do anything about it.  Can you guess what he is gonna do?


A New Heavens and a New Earth:

Thaaaaat's right!  Smash it All and Do Over!  Again!  Happily Ever After!  Roll credits!  By this time, shouldn't even the most devout Christian begin to wonder if, just maybe, this time won't work any better than any of the others?  Is there even any reason at all to think it will? 

At this point, I think it's time to mention the fact that Hell is a ratchet.  According to the Bible, people can get kicked out of Heaven and thrown into Hell.  At least two sets of angels already have: the ones that rebelled with Lucifer/Satan, and the ones that defected to the antediluvian world to marry Earth women in Genesis 6.  But nobody ever, ever gets out of Hell.  And remember, according to Jesus, just thinking about a sin is just as bad as doing it.  So, if between hosannas you have the teeniest little thought of "Damn, I wish I could stab Yahweh in the back for what he's doing to Grandma in Hell!" or "Shit this is boring, I wish I could have sex like I used to back on Earth!"...the trap door opens under your feet and down you go.  Given eternity, it's only a matter of time.

Annnnndd...

Continuing to laugh like a drain.  ROFLMAO, in fact.

Y'know, I can't help wondering what process goes on in the heads of those

christian posters when they read these posts of yours ;  unless they have some

warning light that goes off as soon as they see your username, so they can

just ignore the points you make, and therefore refuse to read any of what

follows.  But then how do they tell these biblical tutorials apart from your other

posts which they do read ?

Hundmutter...do u think anyone reads it?....i find it more amusing reading your posts and reactions ( to be perfectly honest I did not click on the thread until i saw you post)....i am currious, you dont have to answer its not a jab of any sort...but do u actually read his posts?

Usually, yes, LF.  Sometimes I skim-read them, in the way I often skim Shtal's cut&paste jobbies.

Then I get enough to get the gist of whatever it is, and decide whether I need to read it again more

carefully.  Some posts however I read properly, every word.  The one above, I read all the way

through because it struck me as hilarious (and correct !).  I do read fast and easily;  am aware not

everyone finds it such a breeze.

LF apparently even complains about things she has not even read?????

some people.

vk...grasping at straws? or seeing what you want to see...because i don't see a complaint on the subject you posted, actually i rarely complained on subjects you posted, some (that i do read) are truly interesting....i have complaint about your conduct....you are not the only one who posts what you think....

in my opinion, not that it would matter to you...but lets just say that you are currious.......i believe that there is a balance in everything, so you are just another version of Shtal on the opposite end of the spectrum....thats all..

what ever you say lady