Joke - Page 2

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"

An elderly man was told by his doctor that his heart was in such bad shape that he must not exert himself in any way. He wasn't to climb stairs, and of course, marital relations were strictly forbidden.

The man's family helped him set up a bedroom on the main floor.
He and his wife had always had a healthy sex life, and to avoid temptation, his wife continued to sleep upstairs. The husband soon found himself missing her company at night something awful. One night, he could bear it no longer, and he began to slowly climb the stairs to the bedroom they had shared for so many years.

He got partway up the stairs, when he bumped into something. He gave a gasp of surprise, and so did whatever it was he'd bumped up against. He quickly realized it was his wife.

"Madeline, my dear!" he exclaimed. "What the heck are you doing on these stairs at this hour of the night?"

"I was just about to ask YOU the same question!" she said.

"Well," he responded, "I was missing you so bad that I was just on my way upstairs, and if those damnfool doctors are right, I was planning to commit suicide!"

"Isn't that funny," replied his wife, "What a coincidence!  I was just on my way downstairs to kill you!"

How do you brainwash a liberal?.............Give them an enema!
 

 A nice, clean one for the Christmas season...

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better
on The computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God
was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to
set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I
will judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power
went off

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known
in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went
out!'

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from
the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all
His work and I don't have any?'

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, that read:

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

"The dog went to the typewriter..."  Mindhunt that must be a REALLY REALLY old joke! 

It was a very old joke Sunsilver lol.