Joke Thread - Page 1

                                                     First Grade Drawing


A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment.

The teacher graded it and the child brought it home.






She returned to school the next day with the following note:


Dear Ms. Davis:
 
I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration.
It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money.
I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.   This drawing is of me selling a shovel.


Sincerely,


Mrs. Harrington

Ha Ha, cute!

What a depressing story! Mrs. Harrington went from hot to not.

I was in Tim Horton's(coffee shop) recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.

The music was really, really loud so I timed my "farting" with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel alot better.

I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me!
And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod………

and how was your day?

This year we will experience 4 unusual dates...

1/1/11,
1/11/11,

11/1/11 and

11/11/11...

Now  figure this out...

Take the last 2 digits of the year you were born plus the age you will be this year & it will equal 111...

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!



1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25 A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Take special note of 2,3 and 29.

UPS

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.


Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P:Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.  Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

huh ????????????????


elrellano.com/videos_online/4624/circo-roncalli.html

A fifteen year old omish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw.

Especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this father?"

The father responed, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is".

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in  a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them inot the small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequencially.

They continued to watch until it reached the the last number.....and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous young blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman said, quietly to his son............Go Get Your Mother.