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by keepthefaith on 13 December 2011 - 02:12
Italian Honeymoon
After returning from his honeymoon
in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to this friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"
Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."
"Whatayou mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she pack a biga basketa food. She bringa da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket .
The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car..'
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.
While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga is finger again and say, 'No a smokina in
disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ..'
"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go badaboom badaboom and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice..
'Nofolka Virginia !
Nofolka Virginia !'
"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus."
After returning from his honeymoon
in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to this friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"
Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."
"Whatayou mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she pack a biga basketa food. She bringa da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket .
The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car..'
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.
While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga is finger again and say, 'No a smokina in
disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ..'
"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go badaboom badaboom and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice..
'Nofolka Virginia !
Nofolka Virginia !'
"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus."
by keepthefaith on 14 December 2011 - 00:12
The one and only Buddy Hackett - two very funny clips
by keepthefaith on 14 December 2011 - 00:12
by keepthefaith on 14 December 2011 - 22:12
Looks like I am single-handedly keeping this thread going! Hope you guys are not getting tired of my endless inventory of jokes/humor/twisted thinking!
Here is my contribution for today:
The redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was
masturbating several times a day out in the barn. "Boy, you gotta
quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife."
So the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom
he got married. But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer
found his son choking the chicken again.
"You crazy boy!!" he yelled, "That Elli-Mae's a fine young gal!!"
"I know Paw," the boy replied, "but her arm gits tired sometimes!"
Here is my contribution for today:
The redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was
masturbating several times a day out in the barn. "Boy, you gotta
quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife."
So the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom
he got married. But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer
found his son choking the chicken again.
"You crazy boy!!" he yelled, "That Elli-Mae's a fine young gal!!"
"I know Paw," the boy replied, "but her arm gits tired sometimes!"
by Lennard on 20 December 2011 - 07:12
A thought for Christmas
Do u know what would have happened if it had been 3 wise women instead of 3 wise men?
They would have asked for directions . . . arrived on time . . . helped deliver the baby . . . cleaned the stable . . . made a casserole . . . brought practical gifts . . . . . . AND there would be peace on Earth.
by Lennard on 20 December 2011 - 07:12
Shipwrecked Welshman?
A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the Sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman, soon he leaned over to the sheep and..... put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep...
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was an other shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.. she was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual, it was another beautiful evening .. red Sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze- perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again, he fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,
'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
by Lennard on 20 December 2011 - 07:12
Customer satisfaction
A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room.
As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $3.00
HAMBURGER: $3.25
CHEESEBURGER: $3.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $4.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple ofsun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? "
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir,I sure am"
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger."
by Lennard on 20 December 2011 - 07:12
Newfoundland painter
A Newfoundland painter by the name of Skipper Drover, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him in Long Harbour for his paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo and asked Skipper if he would paint her in the nude.
This was the first time anyone had made this request and it had Skipper a bit perturbed. The beautiful lady told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Skipper asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Rose, his missus.
In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus. The wife says it's okay. I'll paint ya in DA nude, but I has ta leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes..."
by Red Sable on 20 December 2011 - 18:12
Cute, thanks for sharing guys!
by Ninja181 on 20 December 2011 - 23:12
True story from Orange County, California:
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.
The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: the police car, lights still flashing.
This true story was told by the driver at his first AA meeting, according to the newspaper account.
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.
The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: the police car, lights still flashing.
This true story was told by the driver at his first AA meeting, according to the newspaper account.
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