Anyone else heard any good ones lately? - Page 2

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job.  One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30 a.m., and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

Funny, very funny! I liked Bubba best, too funny & too true! Any more out there? Poor Jyl is carrying the torch! jackie harris

>Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................
>
>
>
>"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
>
>"Huey," was the reply.
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>"How's your day been, Huey?"
>
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>"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.
>What
>else could a duck want?" said Huey.
>
>"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck,
>"Hi,
>and what's your name?"
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>"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
>
>"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
>
>"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles
>all day
>myself. What else could a duck want?"
>
>The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be
>Louie?"
>
>"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
>
>"My name is Puddles."

Dear Employees:

  As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.

  To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%.. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead.

  This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

 So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go.  I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem.  They voted for change...... I gave it to them.

  I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

  THE BOSS

LOL, Jyl, you just keep 'em coming! Apparently you're the only person with funnies around here! jackie harris

Apparently..lol....  or I need to get out more...lol

Jyl, my favourite is your gay rancher lol. 

A man noticed he was developing a lump right in the middle of hs forehead. Worried that it might be cancer he made an appoinment to see his doctor.

The doctor examined him took xrays etc. A week later he returned and told the doctor he was depressed that he possibly has a cancerous tumor. The doctor told him that he sort of had good news for him. That what appeared to be a tumor wasn't cancerous or even a tumor.

The man was very relieved but asked the doctor what it really was. The doctor said it appears your body is growing a second pennis right in the middle of your forehead. The man almost fainted and asked the doctor how will I ever be able to go out in public again?

Later he said how will I ever be able to look at myself in the mirror again?

The doctor stated; I wouldn't worry too much about the mirror, from what I saw in the xrays the balls are going to grow right in over your eyes.

Now that is a good one, lol.

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very  worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.  Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!' 

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. 

A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. 

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry
her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs
and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. 

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa, and $2,000,000 bank account. 

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. 
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
 
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?' 

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, 

'You try again.'